why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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