OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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