The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
