I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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