Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
