Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
