Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
