So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
This toilet bowl is my home.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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