Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
