i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
