Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
