im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
