Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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