dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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