Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
two words: eviction party
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
