I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
