i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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