Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
