Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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