After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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