Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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