i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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