I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
