he fucked my hip out of place.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
