wanna go halves on a baby?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
false alarm, still single
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
