i think i have herpe
just one?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
