my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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