before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
