i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
