I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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