Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
