problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize