I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
