idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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