She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize