Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
