I wish my penis had an off switch
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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