Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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