I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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