franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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