I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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