I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
