uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
there is glitter all over my balls
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