i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
