I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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