She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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