you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
