you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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