Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
