I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
