Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
