so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
