When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
