it's too hot outside to masturbate.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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