I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
