If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
