Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
