He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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