If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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