My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
