Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
