Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
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