So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
