I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I look better un-naked...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
